Family Gatherings: Do I Attend or Not?

  

    

    We’ve heard the phrase, “let go of what no longer serves you.”  But, many of us continue to hold on to stuff, and we hold on w-a-y too long! 🧳💼 Too often, we hold on to things that keep us attached to anguish 😭, grief 😞, pain 🤕, internal turmoil 😵‍💫 and unresolved issues 😰 (the secret stuff we don't OPENLY talk about in families). Sure, we don't physically hold on. However, we certainly hold on emotionally.

    Sadly, the family gathering 🫕 is a time when so much of the junk that we hold on to is rehashed - producing a plethora of unpleasant emotions. For many, family gatherings can be compared to a “double-edged sword” ⚔️. Attendance at a family gathering is as harmful as it is helpful. The key to surviving this type of dysfunctional gathering is learning how to eat the fruit and spit out the seeds 🍉, or eat the fish and spit out the bones <°)))><.  For years and even decades, many people have mastered this skill - all too well. However, there are some who have not mastered the skill of benefiting from the good 👼🏾 and shunning the bad 👿. As a matter of fact, many younger generations in families have chosen NOT to participate at all - especially the Millennials/Generation Y (1981-1996)and the Zoomers/ Generation Z (1997-2012). Why?  Let’s talk about it.

• It seems to be that many have witnessed and even experienced so much dysfunction, so much pretense, so much trauma that they’ve decided that they’ve had more than enough 🫷🏿❌🫸🏻.
• Some absolutely refuse 🛑 to endure the foolishness that our parents and elders subjugated themselves to - just to get along.
• Others have even decided that if the foolishness that they witnessed at the family gathering was love 🫶 then they certainly don’t want any part of it! 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♂️
• And because we live in a day and time when it is okay to set boundaries for ourselves, many choose to do just that - SET BOUNDARIES 🙅🏿.  (I've learn to set boundaries. By the way, I'm in Generation X (1965-1980) And when we set those boundaries, we don’t feel guilty. Oftentimes, setting boundaries is easy to do when it comes to family functions.  (But, not so easy in other areas of life - home, work, etc.)
• Frankly speaking, many find very little value in attending such functions! 🚮

What I’ve come to learn is that all people don’t process things the same way.  There are things that some take lightly that will send others into very dark spaces. (As a result, many are taking ownership of their role and are flat-out refusing to consciously enter into KNOWINGLY dark spaces.) Therefore, people are wisely choosing to either NOT participate in family gatherings or to LIMIT their participation in family gatherings altogether🛑🚧.

    For a long time, this was not the case.  It was not so easy to make that choice -especially as children. As children, we had no choice in where we went or how long we stayed.  As adults, we choose!  As children, we were told where we would go, when we would go and how long we would stay. Even as adults, choosing to not participate or to LIMIT participation can be difficult. Why?  Because (for years) the matriarch/patriarch in many black families had very strong ties, was very influential and was highly respected. 👵🏽👴🏾 When the matriarch/patriarch spoke, the family listened and the family acquiesced - willingly or unwillingly. In many of our families, there was a reverential fear that surrounded that person, and no one dared cross that person - even if they were as wrong as two left shoes!

    Needless to say, when the matriarch/patriarch dies, (all too often) the baton is not passed to anyone else and no one steps up take on the role. When this happens, many feel a sense of relief. Yes, everyone is saddened by the loss of the matriarch/patriarch. ⚰️🪦But, sometimes they are also relieved that they no longer HAVE to mentally prepare themselves to be in the presence of people who are going to sarcastically put them down, degrade them, or humiliate them.  They are relieved. Because now if they are in the presence of a family member who degrades, humiliates or puts them down - it is because they have CHOSEN to be in their presence.

    So, to all of those who talk about the great family gatherings - remember that there is a flip side. Everybody does NOT have those experiences. There are things that many have survived - still in their "right mind". And because they survived it, they CHOOSE NOT to return to the horrific triggers that activate the trauma of things they gratefully survived.

💪🏾💪💪🏾💪🏻🙌🏿🙌🏻🙌🏾🙌